Book Review: The Goblin Emperor

I actually bought The Goblin Emperor for Rebecca for Christmas last year after reading Scott Lynch's recommendation. I let Rebecca read it first, of course, but grabbed it off her almost as soon as she'd finished it. 

Expectations

High! Not only did one of my favourite authors recommend it in glowing terms, but Rebecca said she really liked it as well. 

Positives

This book was great. I love fantasy books that can surprise me by not adhering to fantasy cliches, and this one surprised me within the first chapter! The main character, Maia, is the forgotten son of the previous emperor who never expected to come to the throne. He's inexperienced, untrained, and should - according to fantasy tradition - fall prey to the machinations of the evil grand vizier. But he doesn't. The first time he meets his Lord Chancellor, he challenges him and does not let himself be shouted down. It's great. 

Maia's not the only great character, either. He's the one who is most fleshed out, but plenty of the people who work with and around him are charming, if rather more shallowly constructed. 

"'Nine o'clock,' he said, with perhaps a quarter twist of question."

Negatives

While there are an assortment of female characters, of different types, none of them are fully fleshed out. I would love to see more from this world, and from Maia, exploring these characters. 

Final Thoughts

Thoroughly enjoyed this, and feared whatever I read next would be unable to compare. 4 stars.

Book Reviews: Readathon

This weekend, I took part in Dewey's 24-hour Readathon, so I read a lot of books! I thought I'd put them all in one place rather than crowding my blog with separate entries. These will be shorter reviews than normal, as I wrote them up during the readathon.

1. The Naughtiest Girl Again, Enid Blyton.

Expectations: Nostalgia.

Positives: As expected, nostalgia. Feeling virtuous and like I want to be a better person. Crying for Elizabeth's disappointments and triumphs. 

Negatives: I can't bring myself to say anything negative about Enid Blyton. 

Rating: 3 stars.

2. The People's Queen, Vanora Bennett.
Expectations: Low. Philip pa Gregory. Lurid romance.
Positives: Nice language. Plot.
Negatives: Got a bit long-winded in the middle.
Rating: 3 stars.

3.  Who is tom Ditto?, Danny Wallace. 
Expectations: Funny. Bit weird?
Positives: Funny, gripping.
Negatives: None.
Rating: 4 stars.

Event: Readathon

Today, I'm participating in Dewey's 24-hour Readathon. I'll be updating this post as I go along, and also posting pictures and quotations on twitter. I've never done anything like this before, I'm excited. 

Nearly 1pm

Books read: 0.

Pages read: 0.

Mood: Excited!

3pm
Books read: 1.
Pages read: 163.
Mood: Positive.

12.30am
Books read: 2
Pages read: 693.
Mood: Satisfied.

10am
Books read: 3.
Pages read:  1,051.
Mood: Pleased. 

Book Review: David Copperfield

For my birthday, my parents took me on a mini-holiday to Broadstairs in Kent. I didn't know much about it before we went, but Dad happened to mention that there was a Charles Dickens museum and that we'd probably go see it. Now, I haven't read a lot of Charles Dickens. I know the stories, of course, but as far as actual reading goes, I'd read most of A Christmas Carol, the opening of A Tale of Two Cities and about a third of Hard Times. I decided I should probably try to fix that before going to a whole museum dedicated to the man, and looking through my house David Copperfield was all I could turn up. 

Expectations 

Exceedingly low. I like what I've read of A Christmas Carol, but I couldn't get through Hard Times and I knew nothing about David Copperfield except a vague idea it was the story of a man's life. Having now read it, I think I was confusing it with The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling.

Positives 

I was pleasantly surprised! This is very different to Hard Times, much less bleak and depressing. I warmed up to the characters relatively quickly, and there were such a lot of different stories that it was easy to stay interested.

Negatives 

There is still something of a language hurdle to get over, and the book is really long, but for all that I enjoyed reading it. (It probably helped that I got the bulk of it read on holiday, I wasn't carting it back and forth to work for longer than a week.)

Final Thoughts 

I've been meaning to give Dickens another try. I thought I'd start with Nicholas Nickelby or The Pickwick Papers. I definitely didn't expect to start with anything this long, but I'm very glad I picked it up. 3 stars.

 

Book Report: A Natural History of Dragons

www.goodreads.com

I'm very pleased to still be on a reading kick. I didn't quite get this book finished as fast as The City of Woven Streets but I did read it on my lunch break and while at home, which is always a good sign.

Expectations

Relatively high. I bought this book for Rebecca for her birthday last year, and she's since read it and enjoyed it. Plus, the concept is just excellent. A book about a Victorian-esque lady who goes off and studies dragons in a society where dragons are just an expected feature of natural history and there's no other magic? Sign me up!

Positives

This book was, as expected, excellent. It was actually even more excellent than I thought it might be. I particularly loved how Lady Trent managed to be both active and adventurous while still being aware of the social mores of the Victoria-esque society in which she lives. There was none of that fantasy cliche of the main character being the only person to see how her society is flawed and rejecting all of it. There were moments in the book where Lady Trent was very much of her time - which provided a nice sense of realism amid her fantastic adventures. 

I also really liked the narrative style, and Lady Trent's thoughts on the publishing process, and her looking back at her youth from a position of age and a relatively more permissive society. 

I thought all (or at least most) of the characters were well drawn, rather than just Isabella and Jacob, which is always nice. The plot was exciting enough to keep me reading - and to ensure I picked up the next book immediately. 

Final Thoughts

I'm honestly not sure I can think of any negatives. A Natural History of Dragons is a great concept executed well. It's not astounding, but it's very, very solid. 4 stars.

Book Report: The City of Woven Streets

http://www.emmiitaranta.com

It's been a distressingly long time since I finished a book. I almost finished a reread of Devices and Desires - which I love - but then I just sort of stopped. Sometimes it happens, and I wish it didn't because when I start reading again I remember how great it is! Fortunately, I had a little prompt recently, about which I shall be mysterious for the time being, and so I've finished one book, one audiobook and am already working on my next book. 

Expectations

Honestly, my expectations for this book weren't that high. I was reading it for A Reason, which is never the most auspicious beginning, and it didn't sound like quite my sort of thing. The blurb on the back reads: 

In the City of Woven Streets, human life has little value. You practice a craft to keep you alive, or you are an outcast, unwanted and tainted. Eliana is a young weaver in the House of Webs, but secretly knows she doesn’t really belong there. She is hiding a shameful birth defect that would, if anyone knew about it, land her in the House of the Tainted, a prison for those whose very existence is considered a curse.

When an unknown woman with her tongue cut off and Eliana’s name tattooed on her skin arrives at the House of Webs, Eliana discovers an invisible network of power behind the city’s facade. All the while, the sea is clawing the shores and the streets are slowly drowning.

It sounded a bit dystopian, which isn't usually something I'm into. However, it had good reviews and I quite liked the first paragraph (always my litmus test) so I picked it up. 

Positives
As indicated by the first sentence, the writing was good. Better than just 'readable', as well (though I'll take readable without complaint if the story is good enough). I didn't think it was quite on a par with Scott Lynch, who is my personal fantasy pinnacle for great description, but it was definitely noteable as a positive feature.
The story was nowhere near as dystopian as I feared. While the world is a dystopia, in the strictest sense, it doesn't feel like one enough to be oppressive. It's restrictions and dysfunctions are revealed slowly, which is what I'd much prefer. This is also definitely a fantasy world, not a future-of-earth or a science-fiction setting.
The story was solid and the characters were nicely established, though outside the two main characters they weren't given that much depth. Without giving away too much, there were a few character / relationship facets that came as nice surprises.

Negatives
The italicised dream sequences didn't really work for me. But then, italicised dream sequences that take part outside the narrative of the novel rarely do. I could see what Emmi Itäranta was trying to do, and I'd be curious to see what happens if you read all the dream sequences as one long piece — but not actually curious enough that I've done it, which is rather the point.
I also found the ending a little confusing / unsatisfying. Again, I feel like I understand the aim but it just didn't quite work for me. I'm sure it would work for other people, I just tend to prefer all-threads-tied-up to ambiguity.

Final Thoughts
This was a good book to get me out of my drought, and I'm glad I read it even though it wasn't usually the sort of thing I'd pick up. 3 stars.

Book Report: Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

www.amazon.co.uk

A birthday present from Dylan, I'm actually quite pleased with how quickly I got around to reading this. I have a habit of leaving present-books by the wayside in favour of books I've chosen myself. 

Expectations

I'd seen the film adaptation some years ago but I must not have been paying very much attention because beyond the very basic premise I wouldn't have been able to describe the plot. 'Dowdy middle-class woman gets swept up in the life of modern socialite for a day' would have been about the best I could have done. Not exactly piercing analysis. I did remember that the film (and the book) also came recommended by Nickie - so with two friends who'd enjoyed it I was hoping it would be good. 

Positives
I really enjoyed the main character and the story. The author really gets inside the head of Miss Pettigrew — so much so that the other characters are a little bit cardboard cut out. It’s also a good story of the character you care about triumphing over her own hangups and sorting her life out, which is always satisfying. It's a nice look at the social mores of the time, as well.

Negatives
The writing style had me questioning the book a couple of times. There are lines of dialogue that just go ???!!!???!!!??? which seemed like very lazy writing. There's also no great emotional depth to any character other than Miss Pettigrew.  

Final Thoughts
I enjoyed it. It was quite light and a little shallow, perhaps, but enjoyable nonetheless. 6 stars. 

Book Report: Devil's Cub

www.goodreads.com

My first book in February seemed to go by very fast, probably because I finished The Summer Tree with four days still to go in January. That's fine, the further ahead I can get the better because then I might actually feel like I have time to tackle a longer book without falling off pace. 

Expectations

Mixed. Very decidedly mixed. This book was a present - years ago - from Nickie, whose judgement I trust. On the other hand, it's still a Regency romance novel and as such I expected it to be pretty predictable. I made a wordsearch about romance novels for Valentine's Day and I've been wanting to give a bona fide romance a try every since - I'm not sure this quite fulfilled that niche in my mind. I might still need to track down Dare I Be Happy? or Cupid Rides Pillion. 

Positives

At least one of the plot twists in this book actually surprised me! For the first several chapters I thought I could see exactly where it was going: respectable, strait-laced young woman gets involved with dashing, impetuous junior lord in order to save beautiful but irresponsible sister. Of course, opposites attract and the two main characters will slowly fall in love and end up properly married and living out their happily ever after, right? In broad strokes I was absolutely spot on, but there were more steps to get to that end result than I was expecting and a certain turn of events that I won't spoil honestly threw a spanner in the works. 

I liked the characters — especially Mary. The background characters were very much straight out of an Austen novel, but Mary and Lord Vidal were at least a little different. I also got a fair few laughs out of some of the dialogue, particularly when the uptight male characters (Mr John Marling and Mr Frederick Cummin) come up against the wilder of the ladies. Georgette Heyer has the advantage over Jane Austen that she's writing for a modern audience and therefore doesn't have her jokes hinging on the exact type of barouche the characters drive. (Which isn't to say I don't find Jane Austen funny, I do — Mr and Mrs Bennet have perhaps one of the best comic relationships in literature.)

Negatives

The plot was, after all, a little predictable. I knew from very early on exactly which characters would end up together and nothing ever happened that caused me to question that. 

The prose also suffered from a lot of showing not telling, especially when it came to Mary. Though Georgette Heyer describes how Mary feels for Lord Vidal it’s rarely shown in her actions, which causes her feelings to fall a little flat. 

Final Thoughts

I don't think I'll be rushing out to find more novels by Georgette Heyer, but it was perfectly good for what it was and I got a few laughs as well — 6 stars. 

Music Monthly

Towards the end of last year, I read a description of someone's music ranking system. Apparently they kept track of their top ten songs each day, and then made a list at the end of the year. I thought that sounded interesting and decided to give it a go myself. Now, I didn't do it every day and I don't think I ever had a full ten favourite songs but I thought a monthy round-up would be worthwhile. So here it is: 

Me (Beauty and the Beast) - 17 points 

More Fool Me (Bend it Like Beckham) - 13 points

Online (Brad Paisley) - 10 points

Rhythm of My Heart (Runrig) - 10 points

The Wearing of the Green (The Wolfe Tones) - 10 points

Two Magicians (Greg Russell, Ciaran Algar) - 10 points

No Doubling Back (Jason Mraz) - 10 points

Luck Be a Lady (Guys and Dolls) - 10 points 

Brave (Sara Bareilles) - 10 points

Oh Cecilia (The Vamps) - 10 points

Shenandoah (Peter Hollens) - 10 points

Stars (Collabro) - 10 points

 Who Am I? (Will Young) - 9 points

Friend Like Me (Ne-Yo) - 9 points 

Fight Song (Popchoir) - 9 points

Topsy Turvy (Hunchback of Notre Dame) - 9 points

Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat (Guys and Dolls) - 9 points

Pop 101 (Marianas Trench, Anami Vice) - 9 points

I Won't Give Up (Peter Hollens) - 9 points

I See the Light (Peter Hollens, Evynne Hollens) - 9 points 

 UB2 (Bend it Like Beckham) - 8 points

Boy Band Parody (Jon Cozart, Peter Hollens) - 8 points

Bad Day (Daniel Powter) - 8 points

American Girls (Counting Crows) - 8 points

Wake Up Little Susie (Everly Brothers) - 8 points

Air Guitar (McBusted) - 8 points

About You Now (Skipinnish) - 8 points 

Look at Us Now (Bend it Like Beckham) - 7 points

Nerdy (Busted) - 7 points

A Thousand Miles (Vanessa Carlton) - 7 points

Lucky (Britney Spears) - 7 points

Maybe Tomorrow (London Music) - 7 points

Girl Perfect (Bend it Like Beckham) - 6 points

Tough Love (Bend it Like Beckham) - 5 points

Mine, Mine, Mine (Pocahontas) - 4 points 

 

Book Report: The Summer Tree

www.goodreads.com

Second January book (which means I am on track for 24 books this year despite the fact that my work life has become a whirlwind) is The Summer Tree by Guy Gavriel Kay. Let's get to it: 

Expectations

It must be at least a decade since I first heard about this book. I don't remember where, or what was said, other than that it was all positive and I put the book on my 'to read' list because it intrigued me. It proved difficult to find in shops, and this was before I had a debit card with which I could order things online. Then there were other things to read and... I just didn't get around to it. Until now. So, sadly, I can't really remember my expectations for this book. 

I was expecting it to be good, and I was expecting it to be fantasy. As it turns out, it wasn't the type of fantasy I thought it was. It was the kind where humans from the real world are dragged into the fantasy world. As much as I love C S Lewis, that isn't really my preferred form. 

Positives

Despite that, I did enjoy this book. It didn't take long at all for me to get past the 'why is this book set in Toronto?' factor and start really getting into the emotional meat of the characters. And the characters certainly do have a lot of emotional depth which is slowly uncovered. Not only the humans from our world but the Dwarf King and the Magician as well. I struggled to keep the five humans straight for a while, but eventually got the hang of it. The relationships between them are interesting, as are the varying relationships between each character and their families. There's not a lot of that, because they move to the fantasy world fairly fast, but what there was was enough to keep me interested in their stories. 

The structure of this book did some interesting things. At the beginning, it seemed normal as we followed the group of five humans plus two Fionavar residents. Then, as the character went their separate ways the narrative started switching between them. There was no warning that this was happening, the book would just launch into a new viewpoint. (This may have been a fault in my ebook, but I doubt it.) I swear, towards the climax of the novel the sections got much shorter and it started to feel almost like they were weaving in and out of one another.Which is appropriate, as there's a lot of reference to The Weaver (a god figure) and The Tapestry (fate). Then the narrative went back in time to almost the beginning of the story, which was incredibly frustrating because I want to know what happened. But then, as with the best authors, I got into the new story - which wasn't presented in the tapestry form. Even though this structure didn't really carry through, it was still interesting. 

Negatives

I don't have a lot of criticism for this book, and most of what there is revolves around the end. I was not entirely pleased to find that there's surprise rape and torture about thirty pages from the end. It was well written, and not explicit, but I still could have done with it. Though, that said, it made the actual final-page ending a lot more powerful. The other problem with the ending was that it was a cliffhanger. Now, this is part of a serious so I wasn't expecting everything to be neatly wrapped up, but I do prefer not to be left wondering if everyone is still alive.

Final Thoughts

I'm not sure this book is AS good as the praise I heard made it out to be, nor am I convinced it was worth waiting ten years for. I did enjoy it, though, which is more of an achievement given I don't like this specific subgenre that much. The characters were enough to carry off any faults with it, and I find the structure interesting. 7 stars. 

Book Report: The Tortoise and the Hare

http://www.waterstones.com

My first book of the new year was The Tortoise and the Hare by Elizabeth Jenkins, which I finished in six days. Ever since doing NotSoNaBooReaMo, I'm realising just how quickly I can finish books if I just devote a little time to it outside of the daily commute. I hope I'll keep this up and read more books this year than I have since leaving university. 

Expectations

Rebecca recommended this book to me and said it was excellent - so my expectations were pretty high. I've never heard of it outside of that conversation, nor am I familiar with Elizabeth Jenkins, but I knew it was about a man and two women. Rebecca compared Blanche to someone else, though I can't remember who now, which is how the conversation got started.

Positives

I absolutely enjoyed the latter half of this book, and at least some of the moments earlier on as well. There are lots of gorgeous descriptions of the houses and the English countryside. I found that many of these focused on the light, which is something I tend to be interested in so I imagine that added to how much I enjoyed them. 

It's hard to talk about what was so great in the second half of this book without spoiling it. I want to describe it as a very elegant, polished cover on a rushing river of emotion and that emotion is done so well, and so unobtrusively, that it really carries you away. There's a turning point - and anyone who has read the book probably knows exactly what I mean - after which I stopped thinking I wasn't going to like this book and immediately saw what Rebecca had recommended it for. 

The ending is also superb, but again difficult to describe without risking spoilers. It felt very emotionally real and surprisingly satisfying. 

Negatives

The first half of the book isn't as strong. If I hadn't gone into it knowing what the main plot was, I'm not sure I'd have picked up on what was happening. For the first few days I thought I was going to be disappointed, that I wasn't clever enough to 'get' what Rebecca had seen in it. She talked about how it was devastating and insidious and at first I couldn't see that at all. 

Several of the characters are quite similar. I struggled to differentiate between Paul and Hunter. Over halfway through the book, I couldn't explain to Rebecca who Hunter was! This made it quite difficult for me to get a grasp on the background characters, but in the end that didn't really matter. The characters you need to know are Imogen, Blanche, Evelyn, Tim and Gavin. Everyone else will fall into place. Another criticism would be that a few of the others are quite superfluous, certainly to a modern reader who isn't as likely to pick up on what I suspect is a slight satire of contemporary attitudes. 

Final Thoughts

In some ways, this book reminded me of Madame Bovary - which you wouldn't think would be a good thing, since I hated Madame Bovary when I read it in school. I definitely didn't hate this, at all. Once I got into it I thought it was wonderful. I'd like to read it again now that I know the ending. 7.5 stars. 

Theatre Trip: Guys and Dolls

https://twitter.com/guysanddollsuk

Rebecca and I kicked off the New Year in style with a trip to Guys and Dolls at the Savoy Theatre. The tickets were from Rebecca's secret theatre club and the seats were a little far from the stage but pretty comfortable. 

Expectations

I knew going in that this was the musical Luck Be a Lady is from - which is one of my favourite songs. Rebecca had knew that Jamie Parker was in, which was more exciting to me than to her as I still adore all the actors from The History Boys. I also knew he'd done other musical things before, so he seemed a solid casting choice. 

https://twitter.com/guysanddollsuk

Beyond that, we didn't know a lot. We were pretty sure it was about Gangsters, but this conversation aptly reflects the depth of our ignorance:

K: I think this is the musical Luck Be a Lady is from, but beyond that I know almost nothing about it.
R: It is, I remember that from the spiel above the ordering box. Is this the one about gangsters?
K: I think it's a one about gangsters? I mean, it's not Bugsy Malone which is what I think of when you say 'the one about gangsters'.
R: Two  musical about gangsters?? You'd think it wouldn't make a very apt topic for a musical, wouldn't you? I suppose three if you include West Side Story. Or is that gangs, rather than gangsters?

Positives

We had a blast. The stage was awesome and innovative, with lots of lighting effects. I think my favourite was either when they went from New York to Havana and there were palm trees and a big blue moon or else towards the end when they used twinkly lights. There was also some surprisingly glittery ticker tape right at the end.

The singing was excellent too - the cast was full of those admirable, amazing people who are both quality actors and quality singers. Rebecca and I were surprised to find David Haig (Bernard from Four Weddings and a Funeral) in a lead role. Even the more minor characters had great voices, especially Gavin Spokes who sang Sit Down You're Rocking The Boat to extended applause.

https://twitter.com/guysanddollsuk

The music was jaunty and lively, the costumes were great and the story was fun. As an added bonus, we discovered that the strudel v cheesecake bet in Cabin Pressure was originally from this! 

Negatives

I'd say the story took a little while to get into. It took some time for the main character to actually appear on stage. The plot was also pretty predictable, but that's not as much of a downside for a musical as it would be for other forms of entertainment. 

There was a little too much talking (as compared to singing) for my personal tastes, and also a couple of extended dance numbers with neither singing nor talking - which are historically not my favourite. 

Final Thoughts

Possibly a more professional, polished production than the last musical I went to see (Bend it like Beckham) but not quite as much fun. 8 stars. 

 

Failure

It's not been a good fortnight. My much-desired, long-delayed day off on Friday the 9th was fine, but it only made me more keenly aware of what I'm missing by not taking the remaining 19 days I'm entitled to. It made me resentful and moody over returning to work on Monday. This was not helped at all by being faced with the Christmas schedule. I don't see how it's possible for me to stop working any earlier than the 24th of December. That means missing my street's Christmas party, it means either travelling down to my parents' house with a bulky bag of presents or spending Christmas eve wrapping everything for everybody. It means working hard every day until Christmas and not being sure that's enough.

This bad start to the week was not aided by another period of finding everything dissatisfying. No matter what I did when I got home, I was apathetic about it, unenthusiastic. I forced myself to buy some things I needed (a coat, present supplies for a crafty present I am making), I did some colouring, I went to choir but... it's just so frustrating when I'm forcing myself to do these things, when I'm not enjoying anything or getting any satisfaction out of them. I was afraid this mood would infect my much-anticipated viewing of Miss Saigon on Friday. Fortunately, I had a counselling session on Thursday that helped get some feelings out which I think helped. Thursday evening and Friday were certainly better than the rest of the week. 

The weekend was... fine. Then Monday morning I woke up realising I'd forogtten to do some work on Friday which meant the Mirror went all weekend without having its codebreaker hint lines available. As a perfectionist, this burdened me with a lot of shame and anger (at myself) and anxiety. Once again, there’s that feeling of not enjoying anything in the evenings to contend with. I found some drawing lessons, forced myself to make some progress, cooked, even donated to a good cause but none of it made me feel like life means anything. 

Then I put myself forward for some criticism of my online dating profile. That may not have been a good idea.

"The obese girl in a t shirt with no makeup and flat hair isn't going to do well in dating."

"Lose 60 pounds." 

"Overall if you're not getting the responses that you would like from men that you like, the only thing holding back is your weight."

"Harsh reality you're probably already aware of, but being overweight makes it a lot harder to date."

I know it's all true, and I know I'm not entitled to love or a relationship. I just wish 'harder to date' wasn't 'impossible to date'... 

Most of all, I wish I knew what to do to fix the 'nothing is satisfying' feeling. 

Maybe counselling tomorrow will give me another good day and a half, but shouldn't my week be made up of more than 1.5 good days, 2 'fine' days and 3 awful days? 

Random Round-Up (July)

This tip of my tongue website is just brilliant. I was looking for the word 'retroactively' (as you do) and could only think of 'in retrospect' which isn't quite the same thing. Collins thesaurus couldn't help me, neither of two very clever wordy friends could think of the world I meant, google searches for 'backdate synonym' and 'retrospect synonym' had turned up nothing. This website, on the other hand, with only the fact the word I wanted started with 'R' and meant 'retrospect' brilliantly found me exactly the word I wanted! There are also fields for word length and sounds like!

Random Round-Up (June)

I've been introduced to or reminded of some fabulously named indivuduals this month. First off, No Such Thing As a Fish (the QI podcast) informed me that the current governer of Idaho is called Butch Otter. His first wife, assuming she took her husband's name when she married, was called Gay Otter. This reminded me of American basketball player, actor and Minister Meadowlark Lemon III. Rebecca and I had great fun coming up with possible names for his children. My favourites include: Curlew Hickory Lemon, Nostalgia Hepzibah Lemon and Demeter Ovaltine Lemon. Basically, a surprising variety of words sound really good before the surname Lemon.

Progress: Single

I have been single for over three thousand days. It's been eight years, four months and I don't know how many days since I had a boyfriend. In that time, I have been on seven definitely-dates and three I-wish-these-were-dates. And for years, I have been telling friends, family and myself that I'm okay with that. Because that's what I do. I take all the uncomfortable feelings and I put them in as small a metaphorical box as I can and I pretend they're not there. 

And I haven't been lying exactly. I don't know if I want a boyfriend. I don't know if I could give up my free time enough to have one. I've never been in a good relationship, never been loved in a non-platonic way. So the benefits of a romantic relationship are mysterious to me and I don't know whether they're worth the cost. 

But I'm not happy with the bone-deep certainty pressed into me by my parents and aided by the weight of three thousand days alone that I am unloveable. I'm not happy with the knowledge (in my heart, it feels like I know) that if I am alone forever it will not be by choice but rather forced by circumstance. In eight years, I've met two people I'd have been interesting in dating, and three who professed to be interested in dating me. Sadly, no person was in both groups. 

If I haven't met anyone in eight years, am I ever going to? This rediscovering emotions thing is a rollercoaster. I've lost the ability to put those doubts, that sadness, that despair into a little box and ignore it. It keeps coming out, ambushing me at inopportune moments. It bothers me that I can't be 'strong' anymore. 

It's progress, but it kind of sucks.

Progress: Rediscovery

Along with rediscovering feelings, I've also been rediscovering aspects of my personality. As it turns out... I really like books! This will come as exactly no surprise to anyone who knows me. I did an English literature degree, I have masses of bookshelves in my parents' home, I get excited over being able to designate a 'book pocket' in my handbag. I am a book person. But over the last few years this has felt more and more like a lie. I barely read proper novels at all, except on the tube. On my worst days, I couldn't even be bothered to do that. My goodreads shows gaps of three months between books - several times. I became a person who talked about books (and sometimes listened to audiobooks) but didn't read. 

 

In the last few weeks, there's been a turnaround. I first noticed it when I was reading Finnikin of the Rock (see above). I actually enjoyed it. Not only that, but I wanted to read it when I wasn't on the tube. I got to choir early and I pulled out my ereader to keep reading. Even when friends arrived that I could have talked to, I preferred to keep reading. That hasn't happened in a very long time indeed. 

Then another thing happened. I stopped reading a book I wasn't enjoying. This is absolutely unheard of for me. I finish books. I finished Perfume even though it was both weird and disturbing (and not in a good way). I finished The White Witch even though the writing was pretty bad and the story so unremarkable I can't even remember what it was about now. I don't give up on books, I stick it out. Until now. I gave The Savage Detectives 93 pages before I decided I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care about the narrator, or which books by which obscure Mexican authors he stole from which Mexico City bookshop. I didn't care about either of the two girls he'd slept with, nor any of the friends he'd made. And so I stopped. 

I moved on to Fangirl. It was recommended by a new friend and I knew that if I waited until after another 400 pages of Savage Detectives it would be months before I got it back to her. Initially, I thought I'd go back to Savage Detectives after I finished. Now I know I won't. Why waste my life reading books I'm not enjoying? Why read books that make me not want to spend time reading? The clincher? I'll probably read more books total by not-finishing the ones that slow me down. 

I like reading again, and that's a great thing, even if I'm reading light and fluffy books like Fangirl. 

Progress: Emotions

The Past

Growing up, expressing (negative) emotions never got me anything good. There were two possible reactions that I encountered:

1. 'I don't want to leave Singapore (the only home I remember).' Doesn't matter, it's going to happen anyway. 'I don't want to get rid of my toys/books.' Doesn't matter, it's going to happen anyway.
2. 'I'm being bullied.' Well, why don't you change so you're not as weird? 'I don't have any friends.' Well, it must be your fault.

As I grew older, the latter morphed into my parents' constant comments about my weight. If I were thin, obviously, I'd have a boyfriend, a better job, my friends would stop keeping things from me and lying to me. The onus was always on me to change. I still have trouble expressing dissatisfaction with anything that it's in my power to change. After all, if I haven't taken steps to correct the situation then I have no right to be upset about it.

Expressing negative emotions never got me comfort, or sympathy. I either got told to suck it up or else to fix the situation myself, without help. So eventually... I stopped. I started to bury my feelings as deep as I could. I became able to talk about the bad things that happened to me without batting an eyelid. I remember learning that a guy I was interested in at university didn't feel the same, and I felt nothing. My interest in him switched off immediately, because it was hopeless, and I wasn't upset or angry or disappointed. I felt like a robot.

The Present

It's taken over two years, but I'm finally starting to feel real emotions for basically the first time.

It's brilliant! I feel actual happiness again! I'd forgotten what that was like it's happened so infrequently. I can feel happy over a video game, over waking up on a sunny morning, over the prospect of stew for dinner. I feel connected to things. The world just feels more real. I can't explain how surreal it is, or how amazing.

On the other hand, it's terrible! As well as happiness - I feel sadness and anger more acutely than I have in years. Over big things and small. I feel frustrated, trapped, miserable. It's absolutely unbearable. Not Feeling has been my coping mechanism since before puberty. I've never learned how to deal with real emotions as an adult. I don't know how the rest of you live like this. When the negative feelings come (as is unavoidable in life) all I want to do is shove them back into a box and forget about them. It's the only way I know how to keep suriving on a day-to-day basis. Because crying at choir, at work, on the bus... that's not practical! So I want to numb it all again, because I don't know how to deal with it.

But if I do that, I'm not only not be making progress - I'll lose all the positive feelings too.

So I guess I need a new, healthier, coping mechanism, at least until the negative emotions stop being so new and raw and overpowering.

Film: The Stag

Expectations
Honestly, pretty low. It was a Saturday morning, I was looking for something to watch while I waited for an acceptable time to make paella (lunchtime). The cover of this, and the title, don't exactly make it look like my kind of film. However, Adrew Scott is in it and since seeing him in Birdland I've become convinced that he's brilliant. So I figured I'd give it a shot.

Positives
It was brilliant! Andrew Scott's performance is wonderful and heart-breaking and perfect. The backstory of his character is barely hinted at in the beginning, then slowly, gradually the clues build up until the best scene of the film when it all comes spilling forth at once. The character of the bride-to-be's brother is obnoxious, but not in that unbearable, unfunny, 'I don't want to watch this' way. He was actually quite charming. The other characters are sweet and funny by turns. There's even music! I've been raving to everyone about this film since I watched it.

Negatives
It's hard to think of anything. The cover/blurb don't sell this film well at all, and would have put me off but for Andrew Scott. Even looking at the cover now that I've seen it I still get that feeling of 'this is going to be cheap and unfunny' but it really isn't!


Favourite Quotation
I can't go into it without spoiling the film, but the scene the morning after the wild night in the woods is perfect. And actually, the film really builds to its conclusion from there without missing a beat.

Final Thoughts

Fantastic! Go watch it!

Random Round-Up (May)

Calibre — Another wonderful software find, recommended by my friend Dylan. I use a Sony E-reader and before now it's always insisted on sorting both 'Arthur Conan Doyle' and 'Douglas Adams' under 'A' when I organise my library by author. This is quite annoying, as it means I have to remember which books follow which convention if I want to find them. More annoying is that it lists two of the books by 'Kristin Cashore' under 'K' and one under 'C'. Unlike my audiobooks, I've never been able to find a way to edit the author field, or the title, so I've just had to put up with it. Now, though, everything is sorted handily by Author's surname, as I'd prefer, and I can even rename books so that series will show up in the correct order! I can finally get rid of the post-it in the back cover that lists the published order of the Sherlock Holmes stories! Amazing how such a small thing can make such a difference to my enthusiasm towards my e-reader. 

HintHunt — Is a real life room escape game. I went with people from work. A team of five of us were locked in a normal Japanese living room in a building in the middle of London and given 60 minutes to escape. There were padlocks, there were keys, there were hidden codes and clues. The second-most exciting moment was when the screen we'd thought was a wall slid back to reveal a second room. The most exciting moment was when we escaped with only 40 seconds to spare! The HintHunt employees (who were great) told us that the quickest the room has ever been escaped was in 53 minutes, so you definitely get your money's worth no matter how quick and clever you are. I'd absolutely recommend it to anyone who enjoys puzzles and team work. 

The Laidly Beast — I actually came upon this Scottish fairytale a couple of years ago, but I rediscovered it this month. It's hilariously weirdly written and well worth a read for that reason alone. I'll leave you with a quotation to show the kind of thing you're getting into:

He was a strong lad no doubt, powerful and fearless, but seeing his father hesitate, he bade him go to the smithy and ask the ironsmith to forge a sword of superior blade. The fisherman returned with a sword which he gave to his son. The young lad gripped the sword and sliced the air with it but the blade shattered under his wield, into a hundred fragments. The second time, his father returned with a mightier blade and the young lad gripped the sword and sliced the air with it but this time the blade broke into two halves...