This week I've been thinking a lot about progress, goals and motivation. It started because I was feeling jealous of my friends who are taking observable steps towards the life they want. My goals are largely not compataible with that kind of objective measure. Do I hate myself a little less today than I did last week? I hope so, but maybe that's just because the sun is shining and I am in a better mood. There is no clearly defined next step to accepting myself more, which is a shame because it is so much easier to focus on a goal when you can see the results of your efforts. I would like to have a path laid out for me.
I spent yesterday evening reading through a lot of things I wrote last year, and in that scale I can see progress. Since I'm starting this blog over I thought it would be a nice place to begin, to show what I'm coming from and what I'm heading for.
Things That Have Changed
- I am able to feel pride and satisfaction from doing certain things (especially housework).
- My social life has improved.
- In the past year, I've opened up to two of my friends about what I'm struggling with and been able to get positive reinforcement from them.
- I feel much more confident at choir.
- There are far fewer days when I just want to go back to bed until it's over.
- I am making some progress (mainly on this blog) in being able to admit to my actual opinions.
Things I Still Need To Work On
- Eating healthily.
- Remembering that I have a goal, despite lack of obvious progress markers.
- Letting go of the anxiety that one day I will discover a goal and it will be too late to accomplish it.
- Getting out of the flat at weekends.
- Feeling worthless for not working 'hard enough' at self-improvement.
- Learning to accept failure.
- Letting go of the worry that I will be judged and found not good enough.
- Procrastinating less.
