Friday, 14 March 2014


This week I've been thinking a lot about progress, goals and motivation. It started because I was feeling jealous of my friends who are taking observable steps towards the life they want. My goals are largely not compataible with that kind of objective measure. Do I hate myself a little less today than I did last week? I hope so, but maybe that's just because the sun is shining and I am in a better mood. There is no clearly defined next step to accepting myself more, which is a shame because it is so much easier to focus on a goal when you can see the results of your efforts. I would like to have a path laid out for me. 

I spent yesterday evening reading through a lot of things I wrote last year, and in that scale I can see progress. Since I'm starting this blog over I thought it would be a nice place to begin, to show what I'm coming from and what I'm heading for. 

Things That Have Changed 
  • I am able to feel pride and satisfaction from doing certain things (especially housework).
  • My social life has improved.
  • In the past year, I've opened up to two of my friends about what I'm struggling with and been able to get positive reinforcement from them. 
  • I feel much more confident at choir. 
  • There are far fewer days when I just want to go back to bed until it's over.
  • I am making some progress (mainly on this blog) in being able to admit to my actual opinions.
Things I Still Need To Work On
  • Eating healthily. 
  • Remembering that I have a goal, despite lack of obvious progress markers. 
  • Letting go of the anxiety that one day I will discover a goal and it will be too late to accomplish it. 
  • Getting out of the flat at weekends.
  • Feeling worthless for not working 'hard enough' at self-improvement. 
  • Learning to accept failure.
  • Letting go of the worry that I will be judged and found not good enough. 
  • Procrastinating less.
Hopefully, this time next year I will be able to take stock of my life again and see that even more things have improved.

1 comment:

  1. I think you've definitely covered more ground and made more progress than you realise or acknowledge - perhaps it looks differently from the outside. You've begun to make choices that allow your voice through - wearing brighter clothes, shaping your room to reflect interests, dreams and positive thoughts. The biggest step you've made is to finally, openly acknowledge that this is not your fault, that this struggle stems from the actions of others. You also seem to be much more honest with yourself generally - about what you feel, about what you want in life. You've come a very long way in the last year, I would say.


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