Good Days

I've been contemplating doing a post on ahedonia for a while — but I'm putting that off, because I'm actually having a good day, despite it's being only 9am. I had a good (half of a) day yesterday too. It speaks volumes about my life that having a good day is actually a noteable event, but instead of worrying about that, I'm just going to celebrate it!

Yesterday, I spent the morning being bombared by creative ideas for writing projects, none of which are feasible right now but just the experience of having multiple ideas all at once was so novel as to be disconcerting.

This morning, after several days/weeks of forcing myself through books I wasn't enjoying or carrying around books I couldn't even bring myself to read I actually enjoyed reading for the first time in over a month.

Turning to my twitter feed this morning reminded me of how many awesome films are coming up that I'll enjoy watching — The Scorch Trials, Cinderella, Inside Out. 

These may all seem like tiny insignificant things, but after months struggling with feeling like I can't enjoy anything at all, any bright spot is worth noting! 

Random Round-up: February 2015

While reading the wikipedia entry for Cinderella I came upon the following titbit of interpretation:

Another interpretation of verre/vair (glass/fur) suggested a sexual element - the Prince was 'trying on' the 'fur slipper' (vagina) of the maidens in the kingdom, as a 'droit de seigneur' right of sexual possession of his subjects. The disguised Cinderella's 'fur slipper' was of unique appeal to the Prince who sought her thereafter through sexual congress (a variety of sources including Joan Gould).

I thought this was a bizarre and slightly fascinating variant. I'm now imagining the Prince (played by Chris Pine, as in Into The Woods) as a sort of genre-savvy mastermind who just wanted to get his leg over a few times before settling to marriage and so invented this whole 'I must sleep with all the maidens in the land' method. Rather than, say, recognising the woman you danced with for three nights in a row! Googling Joan Gould led me to the book above, which looks pretty interesting. I've added it to my amazon wishlist, so expect a review in future.

January / February

January: Did I Panic? 

January is almost over so I thought I'd review my January goal and set a new one for February while I'm at it. My aim in January was 'Don't Panic' which I took one day at a time and I'm happy to report that I suceeded! The first issue of which I was 'acting editor' went to print on time with relatively little hassle. Stage one of the next issue is already almost complete so things are going well! There was only one day when I panicked a little and let everything get to me but that was a combination of work and anxiety about other areas of my life. I think one day out of 31 is pretty good! 

February: Somebody Else's Problem Field

“The Somebody Else's Problem field is much simpler and more effective, and what's more can be run for over a hundred years on a single torch battery. This is because it relies on people's natural disposition not to see anything they don't want to, weren't expecting, or can't explain.”
-Life, the Universe and Everything, Douglas Adams

What I learned from the one thing that did make me panic is that I am prone to worrying not only about my own situation but also about those of everyone around me. When, for example, I forwarded a job opportunity to a friend I started to worry about how she would get from her current location to London for the interivew, where she would stay, whether she would be able to afford the train fare on short notice. Another friend is moving to London later this year and I found myself worrying where he would live, what job he would get, etc.

I've always done this. I worry when my flatmate isn't home when I expect her to be. Not because I believe she's incapable of looking after herself but because... that's how I show I care. Worrying = caring. Realising this reminded me of something I'd read: 

"In a narcissistic family the responsiblity for the meeting of emotional needs becomes skewed — instead of resting with the parents, the responsiblity shifts to the child. The child becomes inappropriately responsibly for meeting parental needs and in so doing is deprived of opportunities for necessary experimentation and growth."
-The Narcissistic Family, Stephane Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M Pressman

As with much of the content of that particular book, this rings true for me. And is it any wonder that if I grew up always watching out for what my parents needed from me, always worrying about making sure they were all right in order to get love and apporval that I should continue to do so for my friends? 

However, it's no longer helpful - at least not to the extreme I take it to. And so, though I worry that it will sound 'selfish', my resolution for February is to notice when things are not my problem and to stop worrying about them. Or, to stick with the Douglas Adams theme, to construct a 'Somebody Else's Problem Field' around things that I do not need to be worrying about in the hopes that I will stop notice and thus they will stop making me anxious. 

This isn't to say, of course, that I'll stop caring about my friends or stop trying to be considerate of their needs and emotions. Just that I'll try to bring it down to some kind of acceptable level where it isn't getting in the way of my own life.

New Year?

I was belatedly thinking about New Year's Resolutions / Goals earlier this week. Last year, I seem to remember, I had many - maybe even one a month. This year? Well, I have enough to worry about. I've been promoted, temporarily, so I'm doing and learning a new job while trying to teach someone else my old job. All with two very tight deadlines coming up. So why pile on a diet, or an ambition to read more, or an exercise plan? That'll just add more stress. Instead, I have a very simple monthly mission: 

Six days down, twenty-four to go!

Random Round-up 3

This song happened to come up while I was listening to the 'celtic' radio station on grooveshark and I love it. Something about the combination of the tube and the singer's voice means that every time it comes on I just want to listen to it on repeat for hours.

Progress

I have made a lot of progress this year. Which is not to say there haven't been times where I've taken more steps back than forward - but I think that the overall trend is positive. It's important for me to remind myself of this by writing it out sometimes, because otherwise I am likely to forget I've made progress at all and will berate myself for stagnating. So here are a few things I've learned, or done: 

I deserve. I deserve self-care, I deserve to feel comfortable. I am getting better at spotting problems and finding ways to solve them, rather than living in discomfort because I'm not worth any more than that. When my bedroom is too cold to sleep in, I deserve extra blankets. When I dread the effects of time spent with my family for Christmas, I deserve to cut that time short and dedicate it to building myself back up. When my clothes no longer fit I don't have to suffer them because it is 'my own fault' - I deserve new ones. 

I write. Writing out my feelings and problems (or imagined problems, on occasion) helps enormously. I've never been good at remembering to keep a journal but for the last few months, instead of complaining to friends and then waiting hours or days for their response (and feeling frustrated and uncofmorted for the duration) I am able to find that comfort for myself and actually to feel better! 

Christmas Care Box

I'm feeling really good today. After getting my thoughts about Christmas down in writing earlier this week, I was able to put together a plan AND put it into action! Behold, my Christmas Care Box: 

This is an idea I've heard about from a few places, but that seems to come originally from the mental health support community. It's especially recommended for those who suffer anxiety. It's basically a box that you fill with things that calm you down, suggestions of things to do instead of binging/self-harming, numbers of friends to call if you need help, basically everything you could possibly need to get you through or out of an anxiety attack, even when you don't have the motivation or the calm, collected headspace to get yourself out of it unaided. 

Though I don't suffer from anxiety, I do know from past experience that spending time with my parents will lower my self-esteem and wipe out my motivation to keep getting better. So a box which contained everything I might need to enjoy my week alone and would prompt me to take care of myself seemed like a brilliant idea. 

Inside I've got my favourite Christmas film, a CD of my favourite Christmas music, some German Christmas stars (they taste like Christmas), some gingerbread body lotion, decorate your own gingerbread men, the remaining pieces of an old family nativity set and a Christmas notebook that I hope to fill with memories. 

I'm not done yet, I'm going to find some other stuff to put in it, but even just having it gives me an enormous amount of comfort. I don't have to worry about what I'll do if I feel down after Christmas, I just have to open a box.